Mawce made a comment to me a few weeks ago, he said that when he looks at photographs of me, I'm not really "there", and I made the comparrison that I'm not real, I'm just a mystical ball of energy. And I let it go at that. But recently I find myself thinking about what he said over and over and over again in my head. It bothers me, it really does. And I know he didn't mean it as how I'm taking him, so I'm not upset. It's just made me realize how I feel. I'm not really here on earth with everybody else. Or at least, I don't feel like I'm where everybody else is. I get up, do my thing, but I really don't have a sense as to why I'm here. It's really irratating. I know somewhere, deep in my heart that I'm here for a reason, I just can't figure out what it is. My trip to england this summer was disapointing, because for so long I felt that whatever it was that I"m meant to do/find was over there. But nothing. Not a thing happened that I felt should have. But maybe I just wanted something to happen to me over there. Maybe I just fabricated it all in my head, and thats why I was let down. Perhaps I"m meant to be doing what I'm doing and being so horribly boring like so many other people in this world. I want nothing more than to stand out and be the centre of attention in a gorup. I want people to notice me, and to comment on my looks, my behavior, and just ME. I'm selfish and vain. So I figured that something would happen. Not because of how I look/act...I can't put it into words, but somehow those two thoughts run hand in hand with each other, but like most things in my life, I haven't figured out how yet. I wish I could just open a book and find out what is supposed to happen with my life. Wouldn't that be so easy?
I'm no good with relationships. I know this now. I was introduced to a guy at a party a few weeks ago, and when I was totally wasted, I liked him. I flirted, gave him my number (We were set up by a mutual friend) and so on. He called the next day, and it was a struggle for me to talk to him. We really don't have that much in common (we have a bit. Just not in the ways of movies apparently.) So, I moved it to only talking to him on MSN. I find it easier to talk to him that way. I can make say stupid things that he never has to hear. But I'm pushing him away already. He's asked me out on dates multiple times and each time I've turned him down with stupid excuses. I feel bad, because he is so much more into me then I appear to be with him. BUt I *always* do this. I always fucking do this. I don't want a macho guy. I want my Louis, or my Lestat. I want to be taken care of, I want my two 'fathers'. I'd just take one :). But I find that is what I'm looking for. And not in a romantic sense either. Just somebody to be there for me, to protect me and to love me. And I want it so bad. I can think of a few people that would suit this, but I could never ask him. Ever. I don't even know him. Not in real life anyway. But what is 'real life' anyway.

I am Claudia. It's sad that I want to live that book. I want to be her. I am her. I always will be her. Somebody trapped in a girls body. WHo needs to be taken care of, but can fend for herself.

I hate myself.

Nikki.