My response to Mawce regarding the fact that I have made myself inaccesabile is simply this. I am not allowed to tell. I will now, but I will be very vauge with who is involved, because it is not my place to be sharing this information with the world. I know for a fact that this person reads this diary and I don't know how they will feel about me saying this, so I must be very careful to conceal identitys.

Someone who is near and dear to my heart has been diagnosed with a very very bad type of cancer. And I was informed that the dianosis given to the government to speed up the money process was that she was given 9-12 months left. And, I know she's sick, but there is just seeing those numbers that make my heart just crack right open and it hurts. It hurts so much. I hurt for that person, I hurt for the family because the family has been through so much already. I don't know what to say or do and I am so so scared that we're going to loose this person. I want to do everything I can for the family, and they know that I am there for them 100% should they need anything, and i know that they know that, but it feels so little and insigniciant. I'm just a little blip on the radar compared to all of this pain and suffering.

THey have this person on chemo, and my mind wonders what is worse? The treatment or the disease? This person spends hours a week getting this poison pumped into their system, and they won't know if it'll help until December. It seems like this persons life is being held in limbo while while we wait. The family is trying to be strong for her, which is why I am writing my feelings here instead of talking to them. They have this shield around them, and they don't want it to break because they need to be strong for the family member who is soo so sick. I love this family as if they were just a part of my extended family that we just discovered. And to have this person ripped away makes my heart hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced before. I have never lost anybody close to me. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I am doing the exact same thing that the family is. WHen I speak with them, I try to be matter of fact when speaking of treatment, the cancer, what might or may not happen, but inside i'm dying. I'm seeing that person today to drop my juicer off. The person can't eat much, but they need the vitamens and stuff from food, so we're lending the juicer so that they can start getting what they need. But I don't know what to do...I haven't seen this particular person since they started chemo. Will I cry? Will I avoid eye contact? Or will I fake it and pretend that life is hunky dory? Because its NOT. It's not fair! It's just not fucking fair. Why does this person have to have this god damned life taking disease when they are the nicest person ever to grace the face of the earth? THis person does so much to hopld the family together, they are their rock, their glue and they are really sick. I can think of a dozen or more people who deserve this curse a thousand times more than this; why them? My family has been so blessed. We're all healthy, a little crazy, but healthy. We've never experienced a human loss before, my grandparents aer all still alive, all my aunts and uncles and cousins are accounted for, but here is death, staring me in the face. I've spoken about wanting to die before, but now....I'm so scared.

That's enough for now, I need to go clean off the tears so I can go put on the Becky Brave Face.

To that person and the person I know is reading this: I love you. I love you like my family and I will do anything I can to make this time easier. Remember that.